friendly banter

so, my friend jared has this super cool job that takes him over to iraq for a couple of months at a time, which is awesome, except that communications between the US of A and iraq are less than favorable at times. what's worse is that with the time change and our busy schedules, i often miss jared's calls.

on monday, j called and left me a voicemail in which he jokingly demanded a "signed, sealed, and notarized explanation" of why i missed his call. the following is a letter that i emailed to him later that night. it made me laugh while i was writing it, so i thought i would share it here. here you go, mr. mccullough, you've officially made it to the blog:


November 15, 2010

Jared Lee McCullough
[censored gov't address]
09344

Re: Phone call to Brooke Leora Grant

Dear Sir:

We have been informed that you made a phone call from Iraq at 15:55 Eastern Standard Time on 15 November 2010 to Ms. Brooke Leora Grant. We are also aware that she was unable to answer this call. Apparently, in your voicemail, you indicated that you required a formal letter of explanation for why Ms. Grant did not answer your phone call, important as it was.

Ms. Grant has asked us to serve as voice for her in this explanation.

First, please be aware that Ms. Grant is always pleased to receive phone calls from you. She also thoroughly enjoys the voicemails that you leave for her. She has instructed us to encourage you to continue calling her and leaving messages.

Second, we would like to express, on behalf of Ms. Grant, the sincerity of Ms. Grant’s disappointment at missing your phone call. She, of course, did not hear the call, and when she finally removed her phone from her bag, she was frustrated at the realization of missing your call. In conjunction with this, we would like to gently remind you that whenever possible Ms. Grant answers your phone calls, even when she is in class.

Third, we would like to provide you with the explanation for Ms. Grant missing your call on the above listed date. According to her sworn statement, Ms. Grant’s inability to answer your call was due simply to the fact that she did not hear her phone ring. Had she heard the call, she would have certainly answered, despite the unknown number.

We hope that this explanation answers your questions and fulfills the request as stated in your voicemail. As always, Ms. Grant is more than happy to allocate some time to talk with you, as long as she is not teaching.

Please receive our deepest gratitude, along with the infinite gratitude of Ms. Grant, for your sacrifice in serving our country and its military. It would make us sincerely happy to see you reunited with our client, Ms. Grant, as quickly as possible.

Wishing you all the best in your future endeavors,

Iraqi-US Conspiracy Counsel